To the men's basketball teams of Minnesota, Akron, Illinois, Tennessee, Utah State, and BYU:
What were you thinking? You lost in the first round. Did you not understand that you were supposed to win? I picked you all to win this round. And what did you do? You lost.
Minnesota: while I am still highly disappointed, I am most forgiving of your lost. 10-7 seedings are rife with upsets, but there's always at least one that goes to the 7 seed. I should have known.
Akron and Illinois: the winners of both of your games play each other. Do you know what that means? It means that I will definitely lose points in the next round too because you both lost. You freaking tools. Akron, I had you to upset Gonzaga. Sure, historically they are a fantastic tournament team, but they lost the last two years in the first round. It would have been so easy to get in their heads and pull an upset, but no. You choked.
As for you Illinois--seriously? You lost to Western Kentucky. Western Kentucky! How in the world could you let that happen? It's Western freaking Kentucky!
Tennessee: true, you only lost by two points. But I'm irrational and I don't care. I hate you for losing.
Utah State: you are one of the most underrated teams in the country. You had the chance to prove everyone wrong and you miffed it. The fact that you only lost by a point is not the point.
BYU: you know you will always have my loyalty. But this trend of losing in the first round every single NCAA tournament you make it to has got to stop. 1993 was a long time ago, boys. A very long time. It's time to win again. But not this year. You lost this year.
To Louisville, Ohio State, freaking Utah, Wake Forest, Dayton, USC, Michigan State, Missouri, Pittsburgh, Wisconsin, Xavier, and Temple - you had better win. You had just better. All of you. I mean it.
Oh, and UCLA? I appreciate you pulling it out, but come on. VCU? Let's show a little more hustle in your game against Duke. After that, you may lose. But only after.