Alyssa Does Not Recommend OR What I Learned From MSVGS

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. A movie with so much promise. Not promise that it would be good, per se. More like promise that it would be so bad it's good.

But no.

It's just bad.

Bad, bad, bad.

Let's back up for a second. It all started a month or so ago, when we saw a trailer for this intriguing, direct to DVD movie. You can (and should) watch the preview for yourself. I mean, how could we be disappointed? The shark bites a freaking airbus out of the sky! How could this movie not be awesome, albeit awesomely bad?

But like I said. It's just bad. So bad, I'm embarrassed to let people see it and I didn't even make it (sorry, Luke).

The movie appears to be composed solely of stock footage from Planet Earth, green screen scenes, and a handful of digitalized shots of the shark and/or the octopus, used over and over again (sometime flipped to make you think it's a different shot). As for the shark biting the plane out of the sky? I'm pretty sure they just threw a plastic plane and a rubber shark at each other and filmed it. Pathetic.

To be fair, the movie was somewhat educational. Here's what I learned:

1. People with lisps shouldn't swear. It just sounds silly.

2. Referencing something from pop culture will not give your movie more credibility. Especially if what you are referencing is "Thrilla in Manila," because it sounds dumb. I don't care if it involves Muhammad Ali.

3. If you are filming a scene that's supposed to be sunrise or sunset, you should probably make the sky change a little bit, because that's what, you know, happens. If the audience can tell you used a green screen, you're in trouble.

4. Mega is a stupid word, and if I never hear it ever again, I'll be okay with that.

5. If you base your acting ability completely on over the top facial expressions, you're in danger of being in a movie like this. Sorry, Debbie Gibson.

6. Don't ever - EVER! - hire a special effects studio called "Tiny Juggernaut." Really?

7. If you want to be taken seriously as a movie, you should not include the line, "You need to go home and think about what you did."

But what can I expect, really, from the people who brought us "The Terminators," "Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man," "The Day the Earth Stopped," and "Snakes on a Train." And yes, you read all of that right. I bet they have a great market Asia.

Now, what should I rent next? Hmm... "Sunday School Musical" or "30,000 Leagues Under the Sea"?