Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ci-ci-ci-cinnamon Lips

It has recently come to my attention that I no longer use Covergirl make-up products. Not like it's a big deal, it's just that I always assumed I was destined to be a lifelong Covergirl girl. See, I grew up watching my mom put on her Covergirl make-up everyday, and I was under the impression that since she used it, it had to be the best brand of facial beauty products available. In truth, I did begin my make-up usage within the Covergirl family, but over time I've switched over, product by product, to Maybelline New York. True, not all of the contents of my make-up bag fall under the Maybelline umbrella, but that line definitely holds the majority.

This switch got me thinking about all the things about the world of make-up that I just don't get:

1. Referring to new types of mascara as "technology." I'm sorry, but a little brush that delivers black gunk from a tube to your eyelashes is not technology. It's not like I'm saying that word technology is limited to stuff like computers and toaster ovens, but...no...actually, that's exactly what I'm saying. An ipod is a piece of technology. Mascara is not. With, of course, the obvious exception of Akasha's new product, the Spinlash: The World's First Mascara That Revolves Around You!

2. While we're on the topic of mascara, has anyone noticed that all the different types of mascara do exactly the same thing? Each new product that comes out claims that it will extend your lashes, or make them thicker, or reduce clumps, or make you look like a superstar. It's all crap. They all do the exact same thing, no matter the "formula" or brush type. Maybe some brands dry out slower than others, or more sticks to the brush. But it doesn't make that much of a difference. And honestly, do you really think a curved brush will make your eyelashes suddenly curly, through osmosis or something? Cause it won't. Know why all the models in the mascara commercials have long, thick eyelashes? They were genetically predisposed to that particular feature. Or their eyelashes are fake.

3. Covergirl Outlast lipstick. They might have other products included in the Outlast line, but I only have experience with the lipstick. And let me tell you, when they say outlast, they mean outlast. Seriously, that stuff does NOT come off. Which is the point, I know. But you'd think they could come up with a formula that stays on through food and drink and kissing, but not to things like make-up remover. Cause this stuff definitely does not come off with regular old make-up remover. The only way I've found to get the junk off is through peeling off layers of lip skin with it. I do not recommend this method.

4. Make-up companies' slogans. More specifically, Maybelline's slogan: "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline." Translation: "maybe her beauty is natural. Or maybe it's just the because of some 'product' she smeared on her 'face.' She's really not that great looking. Luckily Maybelline is here to save the day and make her attractive!!!!"

5. What's up with one-night stands? TV makes 'em look glamorous and stuff with the woman waking up with perfect hair and flawless make-up. But really. Sleep does horrid things to a person. I'm talking the whole bright-eyed and bushy-tailed package: bed head, morning breath, sleep farts, puffy eyes, the works! And don't even get me started on what happens to a made-up face that is slept in! Nothing good. Add a hangover into the mix and you will realize how literal the walk of shame really is.


Chocolate Stu said...

You make me so happy! This was hilarious. And I'd like to ask you about the commercial for the digital pregnancy test - it says it's the most amazing piece of technology that you will ever pee on. It makes me laugh, but does it really qualify as technology? I mean, it's digital, so maybe. But on the other hand, you pee on it. Can anything you intentionally pee on really be considered technology? You seem to be the technology expert. What do you think?

Mary said...

A) I love the title of this piece because I am still two years later addicted to that song. B) We still both have to stand up and salute Cover Girl eyeliner. Gift from the gods. C)I am the original sucker for mascara advertisements. I have never bought the same kind of mascara twice, I have to see what all the hub-bub is about--because this one lifts AND lengthens!

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