Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Super Alyssa World

If my walk to work every morning were made into a really lame video game (the likes of which you would get as your toy in a Happy Meal) it would be something like this.

Super Alyssa World!

Objective: Get to work on time.

Two Settings: Walk and run. Running is faster, but it makes you more susceptible to slipping on wet ground and running into various objects. Three hits of specific objects mean death. If you die, you get sent back to the beginning of the level. If you die three times, you have to start the whole game over.

Level 1: Wymount. Your goal is to make it from you apartment front door to the corner of 900 East and University Parkway. You have to smile and say some variation of "Good morning!" to every neighbor you pass. Failure to do so will result in a fist fight. Do not get into a fist fight. Halfway through the level, you pass two large dogs on long leashes. Since you are terrified of the dogs, you must successfully evade them while traversing wet sidewalk and cheerfully greeting the dogs owners.

Level 2: 900 East. Your goal is to make it from the corner of 900 East and University Parkway to the lawn in front of the Morris Center. You can either cross the street here at the light or walk down to the flagged and light-less crosswalk. The flagged crosswalk takes much less time, but it is dangerous because there's no guarantee the cars will stop for you. Throughout this level you will have to dodge bike riders and joggers.

Level 3: The Lawn. This is the shortest level in the game. You simply have to make it from the front of the lawn to the Morris Center. However, there are high-power sprinklers watering the lawn and sidewalk that you need to take. If you get wet, you drown. You can either time it just right and walk down the sidewalk, or you can time it okay and make a run for it praying that you don't slip and end up on your can. Everyone who has made it so far has run for it, but it's scary.

Level 4: The Morris Center. Your goal is to make it from the front of the Morris Center to the edge of Heritage Halls. The most direct route is blocked by an enormous gaggle of hungry EFY kids, waiting to get into the cafeteria for breakfast. You can either go around the cafeteria line, which is very safe but very slow, or you can try to push your way through the line. Pushing your way through means you run the risk of being trampled by spiky gladiator sandals and/or smothered by Axe body spray.

Level 5: Heritage Halls. This level is that simple one that everyone thinks has some catch they are missing. Your goal is to simply wind your way through Heritage Halls towards Campus Drive. The only obstacles are poorly placed EFY scripture study groups that you have to avoid. Most players take this level at a run because they wasted a long time taking the long way in the last level because, let's face it: being smothered by Axe is a crappy way to go.

Level 6: Campus Drive. Your goal here is to make it successfully across Campus Drive to the Wilkinson Center parking lot. The traffic lights might seem to be a challenge at first, but they are actually very strictly timed and once you figure that out, it's a piece of cake. The quickest route depends on when you actually approach the first traffic light, but it sometimes requires a bit of running, which as we know holds its risks.

Level 7: The Parking Lot. Your goal here is to make it across the parking lot into the Wilkinson Center. This is the penultimate level, so most people take it at a run. It looks very innocent. But just as you are about to run up the stairs to success, a conglomerate of old ladies from the Nutrition Conference streams out the front doors. Adapt! Adapt! If your eyes are keen, you will notice a side door to the right.

Level 8: The Wilkinson Center. If you get into the building before 7:59 am, you've won the game. You just have to walk up the stairs into your office. However, if you get into the building after 7:59 am, you have to sneak quietly past your boss' office while wearing flip flops. If you make it to your desk without your boss noticing, you're in the clear. If you do not, you will be defenestrated.


Haley said...

You're silly :)
And you get bonus points for using the word "defenestrated," since I like that word.

elsalgal said...

You get to wear flip flops? No fair!

Mary said...

Shudder. EFY. Little effers. You're brave.

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