Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

It's been a long time coming, but I'm finally going to thingy about something very special to my heart - the perforated line. Seriously, I believe the perforated line is one of greatest inventions known to man. It makes so many thing so much easier. But, amazing as the perforated line is, a thingy simply about that lacks the substance I require to maintain the high quality standing of the thingy I've created (har har). So here is a post about not one, but ten of the greatest inventions OF ALL TIME. These are a few of my favorite things.

1. THE PERFORATED LINE: we've all been convenienced by it. It is a invention for one singular purpose - to make our lives easier. Movie tickets, paychecks, and report cards are just a smattering of articles chosen to utilize this beautiful thing. Not only does it add convenience, but the feeling of ripping down the perforations, and the neat little line they leave behind are oh so satisfying. BONUS: "perforate" is an immensely appealing word.

2. THE WELCOME MAT: this is one of those objects that you don't really appreciate until it's gone. Something that doesn't even come to mind until particularly rainy days when the best path from you car to your front door is traipsing through the muddy grass. Especially in the Fall when wet leaves enact revenge on those feet who have spent the preceding weeks crunching their dry and crackly counterparts by sticking to the soles of shoes and falling off the moment they cross the threshold into a home. That's when the lack of a welcome mat truly comes to the forefront of someone's mind. Mopping every day sucks. BONUS: if anyone needs an idea of what to get us for Christmas (here's to you, Andrew), this is one.

3. THE PRE-LIT TREE: Christmas lights are an anomaly. They have the magic ability to twist and tangle into a ratty mess as they sit untouched and unmoved in a box for eleven months of the year. You can buy whatever contraption or device you like to keep your lights nice and neat and orderly, but your effort is worthless. The lights will still be impossibly tangled when you're ready to decorate for Christmas. Solution? A pre-lit tree. They're incredible! The lights are evenly distributed all over the branches of the tree, and no one had to emit some unnecessary swears in the process. I think it's high time real trees come pre-lit. BONUS: the little light on the top of the highest branch is a simple and lovely substitute for a star or angel you cannot afford.

4. THE BISCUIT CAN: while they tend to not be as tasty as the homemade variety, biscuits from a can are full of their own charm. And by charm, I mean, dang I love popping those suckers open. You know what I mean; peeling the wrapper back until you hear that all too familiar sucking sound and then - pop! - dough pre-shaped into biscuit form bursts forth, ready to bake. BONUS: you can scare small children by letting them open the biscuit can. But only if they've never done it before. Duh.

5. THE EGG AND TOAST TOASTER: say you have a midday craving for an Egg McMuffin. Unfortunately for you, the closest McDonald's stops serving breakfast at eleven and also is gross. Problem? Solved! With this contraption you can toast your English muffin, warm your ham, melt your cheese, and - that's right - cook your egg all at once. BONUS: it's a lot less greasy than McDonald's.

6. THE CANDLE WARMER: try this impossible situation on for size - you live in an apartment that shares a heating device with the next apartment over, creating an air flow between the two. On top of that, you have Asian neighbors who are rather fond of their native cuisine and hence cook it regularly. On top of that, their cuisine of choice happens to be, to put in bluntly, stinky. On top of that, air fresheners make your apartment smell even weirder. On top of THAT, you're not allowed to burn candles to cover up the stench in a pleasant cinnamon apple scent. Luckily to you, your husband has a candle warmer. All the scent, none of the flame. BONUS: finding where the wick ended up when the candle re-hardens can amuse you for about five seconds, if you're bored.

7. THE BLUE STAPLE: need something to jazz up a boring paper? Your standard gray staple ain't gonna do it. You'd be surprised at how much a little sliver of metallic blue in the top corner can do for a 1 inch margin, double spaced, font size 12, Times New Roman paper. BONUS: it comes in two shades!

8. THE ICE SCRAPER WITH ATTACHED GLOVE: here's to no more frozen hands early in the morning. BONUS: warm hands make a cheerful Alyssa!

9. THE CREST WHITENING PLUS SCOPE TOOTHPASTE: nothing gets your (read: my) breath fresher. I already enjoyed bushing my teeth, but when I have this toothpaste, I absolutely love it. BONUS: if anyone needs an idea of what to get me for Christmas (here's to you, Lewis), this is one.

10. THE PILLOW TOP MATTRESS: after spending four years in furnished apartments with rock hard and lopsided mattresses, I didn't even know what I was missing out on until spending my first night in our new bed. You just sink right in as the softness wraps around you and warms your soul. Combine that with a down duvet a pillows and you've got heaven on earth. BONUS: it's a great bed for lazing on Sunday mornings when you don't have church til noon.

1 comment:

Laura said...

Wow! The people that got you the toaster/egg oven must really love you:)

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